The Funniest Thing I Heard Today

Today was Sunday. I tend to sleep in on Sundays even now that I am, as my friend Mona says, A real live grownup. I usually don't sleep past ten but today I didn't feel the need to roll out of bed until noon- I think it is my brain retaliating for making it get up so early to go snowboarding the last few weekends. I also have a penchant for waking up, looking at the clock, and rolling over for "10 more minutes." During these "10 minutes" I usually have really whacked out dreams- yesterday, I was eating cake on the top a a giant, snow covered mountain with Jenn from work while discussing the secret underground in Park City. Today, I was arguing with a manager of a train terminal in Washington, DC that I really needed a bed if he was going to stop running trains to South Carolina.

So anyway, I wake up this morning afternoon for the third or forth time and decide that maybe I should actually get out of bed and try to do something productive since it was too warm to go snowboarding. Bleery eyed, I stumble out into the living room to find Dr. HokieKev engrossed in something scholarly a poker game on his computer. This was our conversation:

Me: Do you want breakfast?
Dr. HokieKev: I was just thinking about making pancakes.
Me: What? You were going to do what...
Dr. HokieKev: Well, I was thinking I would make some pancakes.
Me: You... were going to make pancakes? When have you ever made pancakes? Or breakfast, for that matter? Do you even know how to make pancakes?
Dr. HokieKev: Well, I was thinking about it.
Me: ::laughing:: So, I take it you want pancakes?
Dr. HokieKev: With chocolate chips...
Me: How old are you?
Dr. HokieKev: ::laughing:: Six

I found the whole conversation amusing. Dr. HokieKev can grill- in fact, he does it often. He can also make tacos- although, he does that WAY less frequently. I think I have also seen him make a grilled cheese or two and heat up various frozen, boxed foods. However,I have never seen him even attempt to cook breakfast. Well, maybe that isn't true. I have seen him try- once- to make eggs. Here is how that went:

::Flashback to Massachusetts in or around 2004::

Dr. HokieKev: I am going to go make some eggs.
Me: Do you know how to make eggs?
Dr. HokieKev: Yeah, I mean how hard could it be.
Me: Okay.
Dr. HokieKev: What pan do I use?
Me: The small one.
Dr. HokieKev: Do I melt the butter or scramble it in with the eggs?
Me: Melt it first.
Dr. HokieKev: Where is that pan?
Me: Ugh, let me just do it.

See, breakfast and Dr. HokieKev really don't go together. Although, he did admit that he did this on purpose because he did not want to make the eggs. This story ended with me cooking up some chocolate chip pancakes on the skillet I once hated but have now decided is much more efficient than a pan when making breakfast foods. Dr. HokieKev got down the skillet. He also started dinner tonight- Lasagna, from a box.

Some Things Never Change

Picture for a moment my 15 year old self tumbling her way across the floor at gymnastics practice. Roundoff, backhandspring, backhandspring, back tuck. Lather, rinse, repeat. Now imagine my 15 year old self landing one of those back tucks where her right ankle decides it doesn't want to play anymore and, instead of standing strong for the landing, rolls flat while the leg stays straight. Apparently, it popped. Apparently, it was loud enough for everyone in the gym to stop what they were doing and ask if I was okay. After hopping around for a moment, my 15 year old self decided the ankle was fine and kept on tumbling. Yeah, probably not the best decision but 15 year old selves don't think of that. Twelve years later, the right ankle is still a problem. Thankfully, it doesn't tend to get humid and rainy in Utah and needless to say, the ankle did not like Florida humidity.

Fast forward to last Sunday. My 27 year old self decides to leave the safety of the baby mountain while snowboarding and show off my newly acquired snowboarding skills on the real mountain. After a couple successful practice runs down the baby mountain, I head up to the top with Dr. HokieKev and some friends who, compared to me, are ready for the Olympics. I do okay especially since I have left the safety of the green circles for the slightly harder blue squares. I have to stop a few times- the altitude is an ass kicker- but otherwise felt pretty good about the big mountain. I fall once, pretty epically sliding down the mountain (note to self, back flip will not stop the siding. It will continue, but now hurt more since your face is in the snow), but manage to stop myself before hitting a tree. I am sure my expert skier friends were laughing. But remember, they are ready for the Olympics, they can laugh and ski at the same time- so maybe I deserve it. Anyway, I make it down the mountain to a nice, flat, "easy" part. I lose my momentum and fall straight on my head. I guess I put my hands behind me to stop my head from ricocheting on the ice- it didn't work. My head went crack. Dr. HokieKev asked if my head was all right and told me to get up. I put my hands down to push myself up and...nothing...my wrist was having none of it.

I somehow manage to pull myself together and get back to the lift. As I am holding my wrist trying to convince Dr. HokieKev that I can still feel my fingers so it must be okay, Ski Patrol Man comes over to offer me a splint and a bag of snow. A BAG OF SNOW?!? Um...no thanks dude, I am fine...yeah, fine. I can still move my fingers, nothing is swollen, I may be on the verge of tears but I am not bleeding, time to go back up the mountain. Thanks though! And back up the mountain we all went- my Olympic-ready skier friends and I!

All was fine. It was cold so my wrist was frozen. I went down a black diamond and only fell once- a little fall. Weird that I can't do the "easy," flat stuff but I managed to get down the black diamond alive and unharmed. I also managed to get off the lift without falling more times than not and my tailbone escaped without being bruised. So anyway, we got home and thawed out and- HOLY WHOA THAT HURTS!- I guess my wrist wasn't that okay. In theory, one would go to the emergency room. In practice, I felt that unnecessary. I have a pretty high tolerance for injury pain but an incredibly low one for ANYTHING involving medical personnel. Besides, emergency rooms take forever and cost alot of money. All they would do is give me a brace and some x-rays and tell me to go to a doctor on Monday. I can do that myself- well, not the x-ray part but the rest. Three stores and 11 bucks later, I had a wrist brace. My 15 year old self would be proud.

Some things never change.

P.S.- Two days later, it still hurts. Yesterday, I could barely brush my hair. Dr. HokieKev had to hook my bra- something I am sure he never thought he would have to do. I spent most of the day using my left hand for anything that involved a turning motion. It is really hard to do things with the left hand. Today was a bit better. I did have to suck it up and take off the brace to write. I can't write with my left hand. Hopefully, this trend of getting better continues.

Introducing Señor Chairlift

With Ice Butt sufficiently conquered, this past weekend I met a new foe- Señor Chairlift! Let's recap:

Take 1: Make it sufficiently off the lift and out of the way before falling
Take 2: Coast off the lift- no one is around to see
Take 3: Coast off the lift and around the corner before falling on my face
Take 4: Coast off the lift- no one is around to see
Take 5: Wait too long to put snowboard onto the snow, fall on butt immediately, whip head back and crack it on the ice. Chairlift Dude comes out to make sure I am not dead and still know my name. Dr. HokieKev laughs.
Take 6: Overcompensate by putting snowboard down too early, hold onto Señor Chairlift as not to fall to a certain death (okay...fall a foot, but still), almost recover before falling, fail to duck, get hit in the head with the chair. Chairlift Dude comes out to make sure I am okay. This time he tells me what I did wrong. Dr. HokieKev laughs.
Take 7- Snowboard down at the right time. SPLAT! Duck! Dr. HokieKev laughs.

On the plus side, I made it down the mountain 7 times in 3 hours. HUGE improvement!

Life Lesson # 987- How (NOT) to Snowboard

I want to be good at winter sports- I really do. The problem, however, is that I grew up on the water doing nice summery things and never did anything wintery until I was a grownup. Learning to ski when you are 6 is apparently easier than learning when you are 20. The other problem is that, to be good at something, you have to do it more than once a year. The 4 times I have been skiing in 7 years probably does not lead to getting good. And then we moved to Utah...supposedly, Utah has the greatest snow on earth- the license plate says so. Dr. HokieKev and I also have several friends who see going skiing every day as a fun activity. Yesterday, we decided to join them at the ungodly hour of 8 in the am and at the ungodly temperature of -30 degrees F (you read it right, NEGATIVE 30). So we met and made our way up the mountain to the ski area. I hesitate to call it a resort because a resort would have had a spa and I would have ended up there instead of on my butt all day.

I always feel bad when we go skiing. See, Dr. HokieKev knows what he is doing and, while he probably won't be joining the line to try out for the Olympics anytime soon, he is way beyond the green circle slopes which are pretty much at the top of my winter sports range. He wants to zoom down the slopes while I am perfectly content to coast along very slowly and stop (fall) several times along the way. He is pretty patient with me but I know its no fun. I also tend to fall alot on skis- face forward into cold, hard snow. These, along with other, reasons are what tempted me to try snowboarding. I figured I would either be a natural at it or, at the very least, would end up on my butt which has infinitely more padding than my face. And so began the day of discovering how (not) to snowboard. Let me share with you what I have learned.

1. It is well worth the $95 dollars for the two hour lesson. Snowboard Dude will teach you many useful things, like how to strap in your boots and how to get up after you fall on your butt. Try to make sure Snowboard Dude isn't stoned although this may not always be possible.

2. When you fall off the lift, duck. The last thing you need after sprawling yourself on the snow is to be hit in the head with a lift chair. You paid Snowboard Dude good money to pull you to safety.

3. Refrain from wearing those cute, lowrider snowpants. You will spend all day pulling them up as not to flash your cute blue panties to the entire mountain. If you are wearing long underwear, they will come up higher on the waist than said cute snowpants and will end up wet. Since it is -30, the wet will freeze and you will end up with ice butt. Ice butt is not fun. Suck it up and wear the non-cute overall snowpants like your mom used to make you wear to sled down the neighbor's driveway.

4. Nevermind the five year olds zooming past you after you have fallen on your butt for the hundredth time. If you mind them, it will just make you sad that they are all zoomy and you are indeed, on your butt.

5. When you make it down the mountain, sit down before you unstrap your boot. If you don't, you will end up sliding sideways down the bunny slope. You will have to fall to prevent this. Your butt already hurts.

6. Learn to turn the easy way before you start trying to turn the hard way. This is easier said than done.

7. When the lesson is over and you decide it is time for lunch, remember how many times you have fallen and that a frozen butt doesn't feel the pain. When you begin to defrost in the lodge, not only will ice butt melt but you will be reminded that your butt is now one big bruise.

8. Don't try to fancily get off the lift to keep up with your husband. Just go slow. Falling off the lift- again- is not fun. Especially since only one foot is strapped in. The free foot will go flying. If you are lucky, your knee will not twist and your cute, lowrider snowpants will not split down the front. I was not lucky. The only thing worse then ice butt is...well, you get the picture.

9. If necessary, sit in the snow while husband and friend go down the mountain. Maybe by the time they make it up the lift again, you will be ready to head down.

10. When you start to get going, just go with it. No need to scream and fall down- on your butt, once again. All that does is give you another chance to see all those five year olds go zoomy zoomy right by your crashed self.

11. Thank friend for telling you how to fall. Somehow, Snowboard Dude skipped that part. I am probably lucky my wrists are still in tact. (Thanks Chris!)

12. When you get home, first thing- pay attention, this is important- take a painkiller. Trust me, this is important. REALLY important. When you fully thaw, you will hurt. ALOT.

As we went to bed that night I looked over and apologized to Dr. HokieKev for not being good at winter sports. He replied, exact words, "It's okay. I am sure there is something I am not good at- I just haven't found it yet."

In conclusion, I have decided that- while I may brave the mountain again- I am definitely a summer sports kind of girl...or maybe a sit by the pool and sip fruity beverages kind of girl!

PS- It is Tuesday and I still hurt. Surprisingly, not in my legs but everywhere else. I cannot stress enough- Aleve is your friend.

The joys of the 757...

Dr. HokieKev and I spent the better part of the 23rd in the air on the way to Hampton (aka- The 757). After driving through a blizzard at 5:30 in the am to get to the Salt Lake airport and wading through millions of little, blond children- yes, millions...you come to Utah, you will see- we settled into our seats for the flight to JFK. Luckily, the plane was not full and we could spread out a little. After arriving at JFK, we hustled through the terminal to the next gate and I went off in search of food. Dr. HokieKev promptly took a seat next to a mother and her 3-ish year old son. When I came back, Dr. HokieKev pointed out that the kid was be boppin to his ipod. 1) What 3 year old needs/has an ipod? 2) What in the world is he listening to? 3) Aren't earbuds dangerous for little kids? But anyway, the kid was cute as he be bopped along. Mom, on the otherhand, looked like she was very taken with herself and her knockoff designer purse. I guess it was good that the kid has an ipod, because mom surely was too wrapped up in her own to pay attention/entertain the child for the hourish layover.

So anyway, at one point mom gets up to check the boards to see when the flight is leaving. She tells the 3 year old to stay in the seats while she walks to the other side of the boarding area. Did I mention the kid was 3...I mean, seriously- you leave your kid in a VERY crowded airport, unattended? This is how kids disappear. Anyway- the kid doesn't listen, and follows her over to the video boards. While all this is happening, two unsuspecting people sit in the now unoccupied seats. When mother and son return, this was the conversation:

Mom: **Head Shimmey** My son and I were sitting there. I just got up to check the board.**Scoff**
Older woman: Sorry, is it just the two of you? There are two seats right there.
Mom:**Scoff** We are NOT sitting in those seats. We were sitting there, get out of our seats.
Older woman: We didn't know. Your stuff was not here.
Mom: **Scoff** I took my stuff with me. Move.
Older woman: So you are in that seat, who is sitting here.
Mom: **Throws purse in seat** MY SON. **Scoff**

At this point the older woman and her husband vacated the seats. The mother then turned to her little boy (3- remember) and said: "Son, that is what we call a bitch!"

It didn't surprise me in the least when she boarded the same flight as Dr. HokieKev and I on the way to Norfolk, VA.

Halloween 2008

Our first Halloween in Logan was fairly eventful. We did the whole hand out candy thing- Dr. HokieKev even manned the door- and then went to a party- Dr. HokieKev even dressed up. The kids in Utah are vastly different from the kids in Florida. In Florida, the kids saw my candy bowl as their own personal glutton pail and would take handfuls. I honestly don't blame them because I always buy good candy. I don't want to be the loser house that gives out lollipops and fruit flavored tootsie rolls. On the other hand, the kids in Utah are SUPER polite! They take one piece, say thank you, and are on their merry way. I had to go as far as telling them they could have as much as they wanted- I mean, fun size candy bars are more like bitesize- go ahead kis, take a few more. We still had a huge bowl leftover- maybe I was a little overzealous this year.

After trick or treating we headed over to Chris's for a Halloween party. It was a great place to get rid of the excess cupcakes I made for work. Anyway- here are some pictures. As always, click the picture to see the rest!

I will leave you with a story from last Halloween- keep in mind that people in Florida are a different breed of special.

Location: My front door, Halloween night 2007
::Doorbell rings:
Trick or Treaters: TRICK OR TREAT
Me in my head: Shouldn't these kids be in bed right now, I mean they are like 3 and 6 and it is almost 9:30 pm. They must be transplants. (You see we live in a tidy little upper middle class neighborhood where it is more than safe to walk around after dark, yet these people were in a car.)
Me out loud: Happy Halloween are you guys having fun?
Some older lady running out of her car: OH Thank you SO much for staying up for us, you look like you are almost out, you should give us all of it! :Shoves kids out of the way and bag into my face:
ANOTHER older lady in a bathrobe: I'm pregnant, no need for a costume!
Me in my head: OHM WTF!!!
::Gives candy to kids and weirdo grownups::
Pregnant lady: Oh, this bag is for my daughter. She couldn't make it tonight, she isn't due until January!
::Dumps rest of nasty chewy SweeTarts into the bag for the fetus, blows out pumpkins and turns off the light::

Upon my return inside, I literally fell onto the couch laughing. I have never been pregnant or had a child, but I am pretty confident in saying that newborns cannot eat candy. Its one thing when parents take their cute little infants around trick or treating because they are cute in those little costumes. But to trick or treat for a fetus??? They must be a product of the Florida public school system!

Check Montana off the List

A few weeks ago, Dr. HokieKev's mom and Mike came for a visit. We all decided to take a trip to Yellowstone. Let me just say that four adults in one car for 8 hours is less than stellar. Good thing I convinced Dr. Hokiekev to channel his inner gas guzzler and choose to take the Explorer over the Civic- my legs were squished as it was and I have short legs. So anyway, we left early Friday morning (begrudgingly on my part- I am not an early morning type of person) and began our trek to Montana. A million hours and a couple naps later, we arrived in the state of Brian Schweitzer. After checking into the hotel, we proceeded to venture into Yellowstone. Well...no one told us that everything in Yellowstone shuts down for the season- not the winter season- just "the season" between when the summer tourists leave and the skiing/snowmobiling crowd arrives. After driving 15 minutes into the park, Dr. HokieKev realized we should have stopped for gas lest we sleep with the elk- so we turned around, headed back out, got gas, turned back around, and proceeded back into the park. The next two days we spent enjoying both Yellowstone and the Grand Tetons. The pictures below prove that I do not follow directions very well. (Click on the picture to see the rest)

Really? Seriously? Who?

I am wondering if John McCain seriously wants to be President. Seriously, the Gov. of Alaska? Really? Dr. HokieKev and I had the following conversation Friday morning:

Dr. HokieKev: Guess who McCain picked?
Me: Mitt Romney- duh!
Dr. HokieKev: Nope. Guess again.
Me: Leiberman.
Dr. HokieKev: Nope. Again.
Me: If he picked Mike Huckabee, I am moving to Australia.
Dr. HokieKev: Nope, I will give you 40 guesses and you will never get it. Sara Palin.
Me: Who?

I think most of America echoed my response. I get it John McCain, I really do. You needed to prove to the conservative conservatives that you are, in fact, conservative. You needed to pick someone young because, lets face it, you aren't. And you, by all accounts, needed to pick a woman. I get it. You thought this woman thing would bring over all the Hilary voters. Do you think Hilary supporters are stupid? Do you think that all women are the same? Do you think this woman is anything like Hilary? Seriously, if people out there are thinking of switching their vote to John McCain simply because he picked a woman as his running mate then they need some serious help. I mean, if you like her politics, fine. But just because she is a woman, that is dumb. Really, really dumb.

I think it is really funny how McCain has been hyping up Obama as an inexperienced "celebrity" and then he goes and picks someone equally as inexperienced and who is fast becoming somewhat of a celebrity. Sara Palin...Really? I mean, yes she has executive experience. She was the mayor of a town with less than 9,000 people and is now the Governor of Alaska. Alaska? Really? Alaska has 670,053 people in it...Whoa, Dream Big! New York CITY has over 8 million people. In fact, 19 CITIES in the United States have more that 670,053 people in them. NINETEEN!!! Governing this city...er....state gives her foreign policy experience, commander in chief experience, experience dealing with the economic problems that face the country? Oh, I am sorry. She is the Commander in Chief of the Alaskan National Guard. I guess she also has experience with big oil. Isn't it funny how she is all for drilling in the wildlife refuge...isn't it also funny how her husband works for BP? I mean, its fine he picked someone outside of Washington who has little experience but at the same time he can't be hating on Obama for the same reasons. In all actuality, she could end up being the President. Let's remember that McCain is 72 and has had 4 bouts with cancer.

I guess she is pretty. John McCain does like to have pretty women around him- just look at his wife. And she did win Miss Congeniality in the Miss Wasilla Pageant in 1984. Too bad she couldn't convert that into Miss Alaska and had to settle for first runner up. She also has that whole good looking family thing going on. People like those good looking families. Ask Obama- he has one too. She also pulls in those social conservatives who were a little shaky on McCain and some of his more moderate leanings. We will see if they stick around after this whole teenage daughter getting pregnant thing. They probably will as the kid is keeping the baby and allegedly marrying the father. Hopefully, the poor girl isn't hurt too much by the media frenzy that brought the admission out in the first place.

This "scandal" is, in fact, what has increased Palin's celebrity. When the story broke that her 4 month son was really her 17 year old daughters and she was the grandmother and they were covering it up, I kind of laughed at the media for being so dumb. One, it is pretty rare for a young mother to have a baby with Down's Syndrome and two, even if it were true, its really none of my business. So the kid had a baby and the grandparents are raising it. Whatever. That is kinda the responsible thing to do. Dr. HokieKev thinks it would be just as bad as the whole John Edwards lovechild thing. I said that parents will do alot to protect their children and that this would be the responsible thing to do. Come to find out, the baby is hers but the 17 year old daughter is pregnant. I still say whatever. I mean, I guess that whole abstinence only education policy thing didn't work and maybe she will rethink her stance on it. If she is naive enough to think that teenagers aren't having sex (esp. in Alaska, I mean, what else is there to do), what else will she believe? But that alone is not what will make her a bad Vice President.

Nevermind the fact that she is anti-gay, anti-choice, and anti-polar bear. Who needs equal rights anyway? And seriously, isn't everyone pro-life? I don't know anyone that wakes up in the morning and says "Oh, let's kill some babies today!" I do however know alot of people that don't feel it is the governments business to get involved in the affairs of a woman's uterus. And the poor polar bears- Palin is against putting them on the endangered species list because she believes it will harm the economy in Alaska. Poor polar bears.

I think she is also a bit shaky on the meaning of the First Amendment as she advocates the teaching of Creationism in public schools. Separation of Church and State is kind of important and is one of those things that distinguishes us from many other countries. People from many backgrounds and faiths attend public schools and it isn't fair to force one way of thinking upon them all. If parents want to teach Creationism to their children, fine. They can always send them to church, read them the Bible, or send them to a church based school. And if you decide you must teach Creationism in public schools, then I really think you have to teach all versions of it from all different backgrounds. I am sure science teachers would love that added obligation.

If the Republicans are going to have a shot in 60 days, she really needs to give that speech at the Republican Convention that has been cut short because of the Hurricane. She really needs to clear some of this stuff up. Not that it will matter much to me, but maybe it will give those people who are voting for her just because she is a woman something to really think about. I think in the end, I will be sitting here saying Really? The Governor of Alaska? Really?