Life Lesson # 987- How (NOT) to Snowboard

I want to be good at winter sports- I really do. The problem, however, is that I grew up on the water doing nice summery things and never did anything wintery until I was a grownup. Learning to ski when you are 6 is apparently easier than learning when you are 20. The other problem is that, to be good at something, you have to do it more than once a year. The 4 times I have been skiing in 7 years probably does not lead to getting good. And then we moved to Utah...supposedly, Utah has the greatest snow on earth- the license plate says so. Dr. HokieKev and I also have several friends who see going skiing every day as a fun activity. Yesterday, we decided to join them at the ungodly hour of 8 in the am and at the ungodly temperature of -30 degrees F (you read it right, NEGATIVE 30). So we met and made our way up the mountain to the ski area. I hesitate to call it a resort because a resort would have had a spa and I would have ended up there instead of on my butt all day.

I always feel bad when we go skiing. See, Dr. HokieKev knows what he is doing and, while he probably won't be joining the line to try out for the Olympics anytime soon, he is way beyond the green circle slopes which are pretty much at the top of my winter sports range. He wants to zoom down the slopes while I am perfectly content to coast along very slowly and stop (fall) several times along the way. He is pretty patient with me but I know its no fun. I also tend to fall alot on skis- face forward into cold, hard snow. These, along with other, reasons are what tempted me to try snowboarding. I figured I would either be a natural at it or, at the very least, would end up on my butt which has infinitely more padding than my face. And so began the day of discovering how (not) to snowboard. Let me share with you what I have learned.

1. It is well worth the $95 dollars for the two hour lesson. Snowboard Dude will teach you many useful things, like how to strap in your boots and how to get up after you fall on your butt. Try to make sure Snowboard Dude isn't stoned although this may not always be possible.

2. When you fall off the lift, duck. The last thing you need after sprawling yourself on the snow is to be hit in the head with a lift chair. You paid Snowboard Dude good money to pull you to safety.

3. Refrain from wearing those cute, lowrider snowpants. You will spend all day pulling them up as not to flash your cute blue panties to the entire mountain. If you are wearing long underwear, they will come up higher on the waist than said cute snowpants and will end up wet. Since it is -30, the wet will freeze and you will end up with ice butt. Ice butt is not fun. Suck it up and wear the non-cute overall snowpants like your mom used to make you wear to sled down the neighbor's driveway.

4. Nevermind the five year olds zooming past you after you have fallen on your butt for the hundredth time. If you mind them, it will just make you sad that they are all zoomy and you are indeed, on your butt.

5. When you make it down the mountain, sit down before you unstrap your boot. If you don't, you will end up sliding sideways down the bunny slope. You will have to fall to prevent this. Your butt already hurts.

6. Learn to turn the easy way before you start trying to turn the hard way. This is easier said than done.

7. When the lesson is over and you decide it is time for lunch, remember how many times you have fallen and that a frozen butt doesn't feel the pain. When you begin to defrost in the lodge, not only will ice butt melt but you will be reminded that your butt is now one big bruise.

8. Don't try to fancily get off the lift to keep up with your husband. Just go slow. Falling off the lift- again- is not fun. Especially since only one foot is strapped in. The free foot will go flying. If you are lucky, your knee will not twist and your cute, lowrider snowpants will not split down the front. I was not lucky. The only thing worse then ice butt is...well, you get the picture.

9. If necessary, sit in the snow while husband and friend go down the mountain. Maybe by the time they make it up the lift again, you will be ready to head down.

10. When you start to get going, just go with it. No need to scream and fall down- on your butt, once again. All that does is give you another chance to see all those five year olds go zoomy zoomy right by your crashed self.

11. Thank friend for telling you how to fall. Somehow, Snowboard Dude skipped that part. I am probably lucky my wrists are still in tact. (Thanks Chris!)

12. When you get home, first thing- pay attention, this is important- take a painkiller. Trust me, this is important. REALLY important. When you fully thaw, you will hurt. ALOT.

As we went to bed that night I looked over and apologized to Dr. HokieKev for not being good at winter sports. He replied, exact words, "It's okay. I am sure there is something I am not good at- I just haven't found it yet."

In conclusion, I have decided that- while I may brave the mountain again- I am definitely a summer sports kind of girl...or maybe a sit by the pool and sip fruity beverages kind of girl!

PS- It is Tuesday and I still hurt. Surprisingly, not in my legs but everywhere else. I cannot stress enough- Aleve is your friend.