Dear People Who Used to Own Our House,

I realize this letter is a little late in coming but I just wanted to take a moment to publicly thank you for leaving our new house in such a stellar condition when you vacated. Really, it is fun for me to go around with various cleaning implements rubbing your kids grubby finger prints off appliances, cabinets, TVs, and sliding glass doors. I am really curious to know how your kids even got their hands as high as they did to make some of those prints. Oh, you think those prints may have been from Dr. HokieKev and I? I don't think so- are hands aren't that tiny, we aren't Chinese gymnasts. Anyway, wiping up the fingerprints wasn't all that big of a deal I suppose. At least not compared to the nastiness you left in the microwave and oven. Seriously, did you think we weren't going to notice the spaghetti sauce gooked on the top of the microwave or all the gunk in the oven. I mean, I know you have two small kids but honestly, how hard is it to take a paper towel to the microwave or hit the self clean button on the oven. I know from experience that it is not hard as I completed these tasks in the first two minutes of trying to cook dinner for the first time.

And speaking of the first time...what a wonderful surprise it was when our Realtor opened the freezer when she let us in the house only to be greeted by a landslide of ice. I understand removing the ice bucket from the freezer to clean it/dry it out but usually people hit the ice maker's off switch after the bucket is removed. Maybe you thought we would need literally a freezer full of ice when we got into town. Even if I made enough frozen beverages for the whole neighborhood, I would not have used all the ice. Instead it ended up on the hardwood floors. If ice did not melt, I would still be picking it up. Of course, all our towels were en route so we had to improvise that clean-up.

Its also really cool that you never forwarded your mail to wherever you are living now. It doesn't really bother me that much as you are the ones out those Gymboree coupons. I do, however, suggest you get the mail forwarded. We have at least 6 bills for your business. I would think that you would want to make sure these all get paid on time and, while we are happy to rewire the house for our HD viewing pleasure and fix that broken towel bar in the bathroom, we are not paying your business's $600 electric bill. Sorry, that wasn't part of the deal. I would be happy to drop it off at your new house but I don't know where you live and you won't return our calls. Oh well, go into collection, not my problem.

Your 1500 pound gun safe is also not my problem. I know you allegedly had it craned into the house while it was being built. I also know that the movers denied you because it is a huge hazard to move. I also know that, if I try really really hard, I can push the thing all the way to the stairs. From there, I am willing to put an ad on Craigslist saying "You get it up the stairs, it's yours." And yes, I realize you probably paid $1000 for it but it is in my way and I would like it gone. No, we do not want to buy it from you. We do not have anything that needs to be under digital lock and key. If I ever buy a small arsenal, I will give you a call. Possession is 9/10ths of the law buddy and right now, this lovely nuisance is in my possession.

One last thing before I let you go, please cancel your phone service so we can hook ours up. Yeah, did you forget that one too, just like you forgot to cancel Dish Network? Oh, you thought we would want Dish Network...well, that is a nice thought but we certainly would rather get the new service that comes with 4 free months then take over your bill that comes with no free months. But back to the phone. You see, we can't use but a couple specific jacks in the house until you cancel your service or we pay for someone to come out and add a third line to the house. We don't really want to do that and you don't live here anymore.

So that is all and if I find anything else, I will have Dr. HokieKev give you a call. But then again, you probably won't answer.

Thanks Again,
The People that Own Your Old House