The Opening Ceremonies- Making People Feel Stupid Since 1896

Much like the rest of the world, we tuned into the Olympic Opening Ceremonies on Friday night. We watched 2008 drummers drum, 2008 cheerleaders cheer, one US President talk foreign policy with Lucife...I mean Vladimir Putin, and 205 countries march into "The Birdsnest" to various ethnic tunes. Allegedly, the Chinese alphabet doesn't have letters per say so everything was out of whack as they were brought in by the number of strokes in the first Chinese character in their name. Allegedly, NBC made this all up so they could create suspense while waiting for the US team to make their way inside. Either way, the Parade of Nations was long and made me seriously question my geographic skills.

You see, I am a US history teacher. I can label all the US states on the map. I can list and describe James K. Polk's four point program (which possibly made him one of the best Presidents ever, but I digress). On a good day, I can label major countries and pretty much all of Europe on a map. But Comoros...Seriously?!? Its a good thing Bob Costos and Co. had a little map in the corner of the screen that somewhat outlined the general area in which these unfamiliar countries are not only for me but also for the rest of America. Because, you see, like any good American you probably don't know where these countries are either. In fact, like any good resident of whatever state you live in, you probably can't label all 50 states. I say this safely after several years of asking kids to do the same....I had one kid who couldn't even label their own state correctly.

So anyway, back to the Olympics. First you have your major world power countries- places like the US, Russia, and China. The two Koreas are there, not marching together as they did in Athens, but there none the less. (Apparently, the Olympic Committees of both nations wanted to make it work but Kim Jong-Il wasn't feeling too diplomatic that day.) The "Survivor" delegation is in attendance- places like the Cook Islands, Vanuatu, and Palau (Jeff Probst however, will not be making an appearance). Also attending are the countries that don't let women play- places like Saudi Arabia, Brunei, and the United Arab Emirates. I guess if you don't let women play then you don't have to worry about pesky things such as Title IX and sports bras. Places you can't pronounce also make an appearance- Qatar (KAH-tur), Sao Tome and Principe (sou-too-MAY), and Kyrgyzstan (keer-gih-STAN). Former Soviet Republics always make a strong showing and I can just imagine, end up wishing they were still competing with the Russians as the C.C.C.P., U.S.S.R, Soviet Union, or whatever you choose to call it because it was almost unstoppable. Belarus, Moldova, Georgia, and basically any country ending in -stan are included here. Finally, the countries you have never heard of including such gems as Nauru, Rhodesia, Seychelles, Tuvalu, and of course Comoros. I dare you to look at this list and try to put all these countries on a map...without the help of a the internet, encyclopedia, phone a friend, or ask the audience.

Maybe by the end of this two weeks, we will all be a little more geographically adept. Or maybe we will know a little more about the South Ossetia region of Georgia (the country, not the state). Maybe we will realize the futility of the Iranian athletes refusing to compete against the Israeli athletes. Maybe George W. will be able to put together a coherent sentence when being interviewed by Bob Costos. Or maybe China will finally change some of its human rights violating foreign policy. Maybe the rockets that the Chinese shot into the clouds to prevent rain will start doing their jobs. Or maybe billions of people around the world will sit snuggled on their couches silently coveting Micheal Phelp's abs.